If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
house sitting!
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates