Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’