me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My sex drive has a dui
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”