“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
You Might Also Like
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
dutch so unserious
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me too door. Me too.
new wife guy just dropped
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”