So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.