“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
You Might Also Like
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
and now we wait
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Not today.. 😂
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty