there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
need him
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Don’t tell me what to do
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates