Breakfast for Stoners:
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.