[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?