I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
no refunds
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Breaking news:
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Snapes on a plane.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”