Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
love it when they get my name right
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.