Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Always…
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
shut up and take my money
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?