5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.