I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.