In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.