EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today