Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Ok, but like, how married are you?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.