Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
shit, they caught us—run!!!
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes