Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties