i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
But is it really??
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
good morning
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart