HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets