if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
this has done me in for some reason
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months