[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.