Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.