*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive