Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?