At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Y’all know who you are.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here