You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
You Might Also Like
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
#damn
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦