I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen