*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
🤣
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.