I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Worst Native American name ever.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.