If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A classic…
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.