When the stylist spins you back around
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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.