8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.