Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Has there ever been a more American story?
that lip filler tho