Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Who says great literature is dead?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Sharon I have some bad news
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Name another movie that mislead you?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.