A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.