🤣😂
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
when mom throws a party…
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Good morning
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.