The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
ok like just. call me at this point
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
#MeanwhileinCanada
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF