If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.