Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*