me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.