Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.