Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.