Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.