My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
They’re the worst 😩
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
When someone trying to leave me
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper