I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
You Might Also Like
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Goat cheese is for herders.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what