I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
You Might Also Like
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.