I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
your honor my client chooses dare
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older