A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.